I guess that's a good thing. I don't really WANT to.
But dealing with the everyday real life stuff all the time, always facing it and coping and getting through and on to the next thing. I get TIRED. so TIRED. When I dissociated, it was almost like I could get a break and it wasn't all real. Of course, it was all still there when I came back, but I got to be away for a while. I couldn't do it on purpose or anything...I just would get all stressed out sometimes and I would go away. Now I'm here, all the time, no matter what. I guess I'm getting pretty good at coping 'cause I'm doing it a lot. I don't want to be sick like I was! but there's a tiny bit of me that misses being able to be sick like that, just a little.

In other news, my husband Jon's alters are getting pretty integrated. Everybody's still there if you ask them, but they don't need to be separate most of the time. It's mostly a good thing, because that's how it's "supposed" to be, and it's a lot easier on Jon to be one instead of five. But I miss them and he misses them and they miss me (They have him all the time). We were friends. I know they'll always be part of him and they'll never go all the way away even if they do integrate. I just miss them sometimes. I'm glad Jon feels better. They've all done a lot of work together and I'm very proud of them.

It's been a long year. My Daddy died in January. One friend died in June and another friend died in July - not people I saw every day, but good people even from a distance. My Twinkie cat died on Tuesday. My grandmother is dying - they took the IV's out last night.

I'm just really sad and tired and I wish I could get away with being sick again except that I'm better now and I know how not to be sick. I don't want to be sick. I just want to feel better and I wish I could get a break. But the kids will be back over tomorrow and there's getting ready for Christmas and there's planning the trip up north for the upcoming funeral. At least my Christmas shopping is done!