I am sorry your life has given you cause to be so afraid. It's terrible.

I do know that feeling. Had a bad spell myself, not the same as yours, but... bad.

Anyhow, I've talked to my therapist about all these things, including the suicidal ideations.

You know what she points out when I tell her my version of "it all but destroyed me."

She'd say: Yes, Leah "all but."

You're not destroyed. You suffered and came through that experience. You're here, now, working on being better.