I understand the feeling of not being able to envision a future. You are not alone. There are soooo many of us.

There is nothing wrong with being in a mental facility. So please don't feel ashamed. I hope you don't mind if I share some of my experiences with you.

I have been sducidal on a few occasions. I have been forced into an inpatient facility 3 times now for actually attempting suicide. The first time, I was put into a facility in my city. It was horrible!!! Only made me feel so much worse. I refused to discuss my sducidal thoughts with anyone too. I did NOT want to go back there. The second time I attempted suicide, they sent be back there again. I felt like it was a punishment for not being successful in my attempt. I too, was ashamed that I had been forced into inpatient. It was horrible in there. This facility kept track of EVERYTHING you did while you were there, from how much you smiled, slept,interacted, ate, to how you went to the bathroom (yes they asked questions about if I could "go" or not, everyday) it was degrading and shameful. After some time, I attempted again. This time upping the ante because I switched from my usual method of OD-ing to hanging myself. I was literally stopped within a minute of putting my head in the noose for the final time. The psychiatrist here claimed that switching my method was an escalation and wanted me inpatient again. This time, the local facility was full. No room for me. So, they sent me to a different facility an hour and a half away. All the way there (by ambulance??) I was dreading the whole thing. I was sad, angry, ashamed. However, I have to tell you that my experience in the second facility changed everything. I don't believe I'll ever attempt suicide again. I won't ever feel as alone as I did when I was suicidal. I'll never be as hopeless. I still get stressed about the future, but I'm not hopeless. I'm not ashamed anymore because this facility actually helped me. I'm not a complete failure anymore. I'm a work in progress.

I've never really talked about how much I've been hospitalized on PC. Not because I'm ashamed but because I wanted to leave it behind but I really felt compelled to share it with you. I hope it helps some.

I can't tell you all that I learned because sometimes, we have to learn on our own, but I will tell you this, You only have a future if you choose it. You have to face the future without keeping suicide as an option.

I'll be thinking of you.