I hate saying that I'm dealing with depression. I always feel selfish when I talk about it. I'm afraid I'm going to say the wrong thing to someone and they're going to say that I have nothing to be sad about, that I'm overreacting and that there will always be someone who has it worse than I do.

I KNOW someone else has it worse than me.

I have never majorly dealt with depression, except one other time than now. During my Sophomore year, my girlfriend (who was also a long time friend) broke up with me (yes, I'm a girl and bi) and was still acting like she was with me, but then she met another guy, so we'd be together and then she would tell me how amazing he was.

Because of that, there became a huge strain on my best friend and I and I began to feel left out.

It went away during my Junior year and has basically stayed gone until now. Since then I've gone to college, flunked out, met my boyfriend, had a baby, got married, and went back to college, so obviously I've had a lot going on. Hell, since I had the baby, my husband, baby, and I moved back in with my mom.

I know this is probably postpartum depression to an extent, but I'm beginning to believe it has developed into almost "real" depression rather than a simple matter of baby blues. It has 6 months since I even had the baby.

At first, I was happy. I think the depression just started because I was up late at night all the time, but then the baby began sleeping all night and I was basically fine, except for our money troubles. We had moved in with my mom in order to save money since we had a new baby. Somehow we ended up being more broke once we got in here. I have no idea how. We have not saved a dime.

I've hyperventilated many times because of the money troubles I now have. My husband also got laid off from his job, so that definitely doesn't help matters.

We've only been married three months and we're already having money troubles.

I hate myself, more than I can say. I don't think I ever loved myself, but somehow I've begun to hate who I've become. My life didn't turn out the way I wanted it too. I'm unhappy with my body and I've been eating more, to I guess, try to fight off the depression and even when I get enough sleep, I feel so tired.

My husband and I are also at two completely different ends of the emotional scale. I'm overly emotional and he is super distant emotionally which is also creating problems cause he doesn't understand why I am sad.

I have no medical insurance, I can't talk to anyone. I haven't even told my friends about the thoughts I've been having. I just told my husband the words last night that I've thought of suicide.

Don't get me wrong, I don't think I would ever do it. I don't want to leave my child alone without a mother, but what gets me is I've never even thought of it before. There are some nights that I'm sitting on my own, either crying or just completely numb about life in general and I begin to think about what it would be like to escape. My thoughts always go to maybe a tall building or a bridge and I wonder what it would feel like to just fall until...

As I said though...I wouldn't do it. I love my family too much.

I'm so stressed out though and I can't afford to cut out any of my stress. I have a new baby, a new job, that I love for the most part, I am also now a Mary Kay Beauty Consultant on the side, plus I am going to school. I never get to see my friends anymore or even just get out to do anything, or get any alone time whatsoever. Not to mention my baby is also currently teething, so he's just mad all the time.

In my household there is my mother, my brother, my husband, my son, two cats, a dog, and myself.

My husband hates my friends too as I discovered last night...well, I knew he hated them, but he left a google search open asking how to keep his girlfriend away from his friends, which just sounds possessive and pisses me off. We've talked about it and he says he didn't mean for it to sound like it did, but he doesn't want them around...the only time I see them is when they come over :/

And all I can say is, I don't know what to do at all and I'm scared of myself. Please help I feel so helpless.