am in my mid-twenties, kinda gd looking, but a virgin (want to wait till marriage)
been sexual with two men (did a lot of things except actual penetration)
the first man was my bf since 17 stayed together for many years, sex was HOT!
he had great body, he respected me and really cared about me (he still does I guess), we had great chemistry and we learned together (he taught me a lot and I helped him to know what he love)
the 2nd guy was also my bf but had barley any sex, wasn't attracted to him, didn't like his body (though he's not very fat or anything), was repelled by him, didn't do a lot with him just kissing and touching and eventually even kissing stopped in the last year of our relation.
my problem is my first bf has left the country, I still fantasize about him and wish to meet him again (I'll definitely loose my virginity with him although technically am not a virgin lol I mean we did a lot of stuff )
lately I've been very "horny" don't know any other term, I know can get out and be with any guy but I don't want to. I just can't be with a random guy I have to love him and be in a relationship with him (I tried that once but it was one of my biggest shames I hate myself when I remember that)
what should I do? I miss being intimate with somebody, and feel that someone finds me attractive and sexy.
I even starting considering sexual talks with strangers (by texting or something) but even that I have to form a bond with that guy. Is something wrong with me?
why can't I separate sexual feelings from love or trust and respect??