I'm so on edge lately, the suicidal thoughts and urges are daily. I can control them until I'm so anxious and overwhelmed that I want to escape. Right now I'm feeling the later. I have surgery coming up next Friday, and was told today that I have to have an infusion on Monday and Tuesday. I understand that it's because they don't want me to risk bleeding from the surgery, but I seriously get so ill from the infusion. End up in the ER with severe migraines, vomiting, nausea. The thought of doing the infusion again really bothers me. I would rather be dead than deal with this on top of surgery the same week. I don't know whatelse do.