I am so sorry you're going through this. Loving an addict, recovering or not, can be a horribly painful experience. I hope that therapy and time will help you to move forward and love yourself enough to realize you're better off without him. You will, one day, find that you have more strength than you ever knew you had! It's just a matter of getting to that day of epiphany. Take care of yourself in the meantime. Perhaps try to stop trying to make sense of his actions. You'll never figure out the answers on your own, and every day you spend trying to find them is one day that you are not moving forward.