I'm trying to get through it... The meds maybe take the edge off... A little. Everything needs to change NOW. I can't live like this but I can't not live. So stuck. Same story different day. I hate myself how I can't make the changes to make my life better.

I hate living with 2 adult kids who aren't pulling their weight. I hate the clutter & filth, it's driving me nuts. I hate driving them everywhere, paying all the bills, then get yelled at by son that I just sit on my *** all day. Then I'm sick of him just making nice when he wants something.

I hate the legal problems & all the drug rehabs I have to take them to. I hate it all.

I hate the bf. We go to dinner & I always drive. He tried to pay I said no. Told him I don't want to be indebted to him & plan to pay him back any money he ever spent on me. Told him I'm happier living alone. He's such a ****. And dumb. Told him I wasted my 30's on him & he's part of the reason my older 2 are so ****ed up. He doesn't care for them. So why do I care for him?

Dinner was spent with me trying to make interesting conversation. Tried to talk about work & see if I could help with his work stress. He's so self centered he doesn't see my work stress. He just got mad & said he couldn't talk about work right now. So I change subject, I'm thinking of having a winter solstice party. He says he can't think about that right now & doesn't want to hear about my weird ****. So I try to explain paganism & he doesn't want to hear about my devil stuff ... Wtf ... He's an atheist. I just can't stand him. Most unpleasant dinner ever. I cried. I don't understand how he never cries. I don't understand how he doesn't care for my 2 older kids. He said they caused me so much trouble always trying to kill themselves. I just hate him. He can't forgive my son for attacking him with a ninja sword. Lmao. The kid needed a dad and was disappointed & abandoned once again.

Yet my pathetic pattern is I stay in this relationship. Makes me hate myself more. I would exit stage left, but who would clean up this mess. He's snoring away in my bed and I can't stand to even go lay in my own bed. I hate him. We have no business being together. It was a nice 2 weeks I just had not having to see him. I can't even talk about anything that interests me? I lay awake while he snores? I keep him around cuz he's a good influence on youngest? That's an oxymoron cuz how could someone who dislikes his siblings be a good influence? I hate it all. I've Made a horrible mess of my life & theirs. I hate it. I want to scream & break things. But I sit here holding back tears.