I'm feeling kind of sad today. I had my final appointment, and picked up my last invoice yesterday, from the psychologist who I've been seeing since I first sought mental health help back in 1998. It seems like a lifetime ago.

Back then I didn't know that I had a drinking problem, I just knew I wasn't coping at work, I had an abusive boss to manage, and my friends were getting tired of me bursting into tears every lunch hour. Of course I had a drinking problem, I just didn't see it as a problem yet. I figured I needed some practical coping skills and that I'd be in therapy 6 months to a year max. Little did I know that was the beginning of ripping my life apart and rebuilding it completely from scratch.

I feel like she's been with me through everything, the good - getting my MBA, my CPA, my travels to Europe, and the bad - 3 psych hospitalization, 7 trips through rehab, job loss, bankruptcy, loosing my place, St. Clare's, finally facing and dealing with my drinking problem and my multiple relapses.

She convinced me to see my first psychiatrist and to try meds. Probably wouldn't be alive without them today. She encouraged me to go inpatient when I really needed it.

She knows me better than anybody, except my very best friend.

I terrified her with my drinking - she was so afraid I'd accidentally kill myself, that's the only area I feel I really let her down in, until I finally got some recovery.

She's been seeing me without my paying for the last 2 years, letting me run up a bill, because I couldn't afford her. But now I'm getting so much free therapy that it doesn't make sense for me to do more therapy, and to continue to run up therapy debt.

I didn't think I'd feel this sad, as I've seen her only sporadically in the past year, as her practice has changed, but it still feels really weird, that I'm not going to have periodic check ins with her.

She wants me to keep in touch with her by email to update her on what I'm doing. But that won't be the same.

It really hit me last night that this phase of our relationship has ended. I was sad all afternoon since my appointment but last night I really started crying and I'm still crying this morning

I feel kind of lost.

splitimage