I have realized that the therapist I chose from my insurance plan's list of clinicians is a behavioral therapist. I don't know how I missed that when i was looking for someone, but I did. CBT is not for me and I have tried it several times before. I knew that I specifically did not want that. Yet, there it is in her profile.

Now I feel like an idiot. I wanted psychoanalytic psychotherapy. When she said she did psychodynamic psychotherapy, I misunderstood.

No wonder I am frustrated that she doesn't want to talk much! I am trying to make it into something it isn't and never will be.

So, realizing this I began a new search through the clinician directory of in-network providers. Most listed CBT in their profile. The ones that didn't I called an they said they do CBT or are 'solution-focused' (same thing). So I called the insurance company and asked if ALL their clinicians are Behavioral therapists. Yes, the supervisor told me. He went on, Research does not show that long term therapy is more helpful than short term therapy. I tried to tell him I was not looking to establish a length of treatment timeframe, but wanted a particular therapy model/orientation. And, that they had sent me (insolicited) literature that indicated that for some diagnoses long-term therapy was needed. Bottom line is that my insurance company has the power to limit my choices for treatment and that makes me so angry.

To find what I want I will have to pay for it myself. I don't know if I can to be honest.

But I want what I want. I don't want to learn new tricks, or to salivate at the sound of a bell, or to have positive suggestions made while in hypnosis. I want to understand why I have the perceptions I have, where they came from how they work (or don't). There is so much to learn.

I am so frustrated and deflated I thought I had found what I wanted and needed. I truly like this psychologist and I trust her. But we are not on the same page and will never be because I want something other than what she offers.

Sigh.. I need hugs. I feel so alone again.

ECHOES