I've noticed that at least for me, self-esteem is basically a catch-22.

I'm not lovable unless I have self-esteem (i.e. love myself) and I'm not going to have self-esteem without being lovable.

How can I keep thinking that I'm attractive (physically and personality-wise) when life keeps showing me that I must not be right? An example: I went on what I thought was a date with this guy a few weeks ago and I started getting tired of always initiating conversation afterwards…I tried to set up a second date and he originally agreed that it would be something he wanted to do but it never happened. I saw him last night for the first time since the date and he didn't even look at me. I tried to make eye contact, nothing and it was a rehearsal so it wasn't like I could really focus on that. I tried to talk to him afterwards, but he was talking to someone else and I didn't want to interrupt and I had to take someone home so I couldn't stick around.

And I looked hot…even someone not attracted to my gender/gender identity would have admitted that. So what am I supposed to think? Only wear clothing that definitely make sure people forget that I have breasts? When I feel attractive, I'm only treated as unattractive and vice versa…so how can I really be attractive? Even if he hated my guts, he would have at least noticed me…

This isn't the only thing…my perception of myself is always wrong, even if it's a positive one.