I can relate to what you're going through.
Just 18 months ago my life was completely out of control. I was drinking vodka until I blacked out every night, hanging out with dangerous people and doing things I shouldn't be doing. I made a total *** out of myself. I nearly ruined my life completely.
I alienated not only countless friends, but family members as well due to my behavior under the influence of alcohol and sometimes a mix of alcohol and prescription drugs. I can't remember a lot of the things I did or said but other people sure do and it's humiliating. and the reckless behavior I was engaging in nearly cost me my life twice in one month before I finally decided to sober up and re-evaluate things.
I can tell you as someone who has been there and done that, that alcohol and other substances designed to mask those emotions that are so hard to manage aren't the answer to your pain. I've been sober for nearly two years now and are my emotions the way I wish they were? No. but my life is much better now and at least I don't make mistakes that I don't remember. I mess up less severely and the accountability is there. I am seeking professional help because I can't make progress and learn to deal with the overwhelming emotions alone.
There are people out there who can help you. I recommend DBT Therapy if you have access to it in your area. You are not alone.
Best of luck.