Quote:
Originally Posted by Freewilled
Not sure how to explain this but I think I avoided my T tonight. The thing is I WENT, but totally took control of the session and gave no space to what we talked about over the last several weeks. We had been processing my overwhelming anger at him...and I just pretended none of it had even happened. That's what I do with other people in my life. I definitely see that now. But I didn't go into the session consciously planning to do so... It scares me that I can be so much on auto-pilot. I avoided thinking about T all day and anxiously tried to find a new outfit/clothing.....ugh. It's so hard to explain. I do that on and off all the time and I know it is significant.
I am just wondering: do you ever do things to avoid your T in session? Instead of outright canceling, do you ever go and then not let your T in either blatantly or passively? I feel rather guilty right now and like I wasted my session. My T is smart enough to probably see through it, so I feel embarrassed too  |
I've done the exact same thing, even got up and walked out after 20 minutes. What I've learned is my ego state (inner child) was not feeling safe and shut the adult me off. That's the egos way of protecting us from having painful experiences. I was on auto pilot for many years. I've done exactly what you describe; feeling anxious all day, finding a new outfit so I'd look good, felt guilty, cancelled appointments, even stopped seeing him for several months. Everything you are doing and I did is avoidance behavior...avoiding talking about things that are painful. I still won't let him talk about my son who died 21 yrs ago, it's just too painful. You can bet your T sees right through it. It was so bad he said he didn't know if he could help me anymore or even if he wanted to. That was just 5 weeks ago. I had an "aha" (epiphanial) moment where I realized everything I had done or not done, said or not said ended up hurting myself. I was looking outside of myself for answers that are within me. I shared that with my T and he smiled. Since then I have stopped avoidance behaviors and have started growing. I no longer let the ego tell me what to do/say. Take a look at The Work of Byron Katie on Facebook. She does daily little sayings and one of those was the trigger for my aha moment.