I fooled myself really badly. I had let myself really believe in my head that my T is my mother. I would tell myself when I wasn’t with her that life is hard, but everything is going to be okay because I’ll see her in the morning (this is a partial program). She’ll take care of me and comfort me and take away all my pain. I don’t have to mourn the loss of the mother I never had because my T is here and she can be my mother.

Well, I suddenly snapped out of that delusion I’ve been having for the past month. I had a really rough morning and she asked me to come talk to her in the kitchen to make sure I was alright. I asked her if she had more time to formally talk to me later in the day and she told me “you need to take care of yourself because I can’t take care of you for you. No one can do that. I’m not even your T. I’m technically only your case manager until after you discharge on Friday. At that point, I can officially be your T. I’ve been playing both roles but my time is supposed to be allocated to people who don’t have discharge plans and you’re all set with that”. I immediately broke out into tears. She came to my side and told me everything will be alright and that she isn’t abandoning me. It’s just unhealthy for me to rely on her as much as I’ve been relying on her.

I know that it’s unhealthy. I’ve always known that. I just wanted to believe so badly that I finally had a mother that I let myself push the boundaries as much as possible. But she already has a daughter and a real life outside of her job. She has a family to go home to and I can never be a part of that. I’m just someone she works with at her job. I’m never going to have a mother and I feel all alone in the universe. I haven’t stopped crying yet.

I don't know whether to be upset with myself for allowing myself to blur the lines in my mind, her for letting it get that far by trying to be both my T and my case manager, or my biological mother for completely failing me. I'm just upset with the world.