The past couple of weeks I was suffering from intrusive thoughts that I already have or will email or write an innapropriate offensive letter to my roommates

there was times I woke up in the morning and my intrusive thoughts said that sometime when I was sleeping I woke up wrote a highly innapropriate letter about my roomate and his family and the intrusive thoughts said that i hide it in his computer desk

I always fought these intrusive thoughts I knew that I would never do that

There was times I woke up in the middle of the night to get milk and food to eat cause around those days I was smoking cannabis and I got hungry

So when i was in the kitchen around those days of smoking cannabis, I would go get food,

On top of our refrigerator is kitchen cleaning products

I would get a quick intrusive thought of " me poisoning our food and drinks " with mental images of doing this terrible act

And I was able to tell myself immediately that is redicolous , I would never do that , I was able to brush off the intrusive thought of poisoning food and drinks really fast

And while making food I would get an intrusive though with intrusive visual images that I wrote a highly innapropriate letter about my roomates family and that I hide it in his computer desk

And I would tell myself I know what reality is ... I just woke up and walked past my roomates computer desk and I went straight to the kitchen

It's scary how the intrusive thoughts and intrusive visual images of these fears attack my brain and make it feel very real , they feel like delusions , hallucinations , the intrusive attacks make it feel like it happened and it's hard to believe if it really happened or not .....

I got mentally paralized and told my roomates days later that I have these intrusive thoughts , I explained to them that i could be on facebook, my email and i sudden get intrusive thoughts that I wrote something highly innapropriate to a friend about his family. I told my roomates that I'm even afraid to go to people's homes cause im afraid I will lose control of myself or blackout mentally and write a note or letter about the friend and his family and hide it somewhere in there house ,

My roomates obviously checked the computer desk and there was no innapropriate letters hidden in the computer from me

I knew these were severe intrusive thoughts/intrusive images/pure-o/harm-ocd/ and false memory symptoms

3days ago I was looking online and found a way to fight of the intrusive thoughts of me saying or writing something innapropriate to friends by mentally telling myself " I accept that I do not accept these thoughts "

That made me feel better

So 3 days ago I went to take a shower , my roomate and his friend was home

After the shower I was hungry so i went to the kitchen made a turkey sandwich got milk ,

I saw the kitchen cleaning products on top our refrigerator

And of course being a human that i am I have vision I see what's around me and think as any other human would

I finished eating then put the plate and cup into the sink

And then like 2 minutes later all of a sudden I got intrusive thoughts and intrusive visual images of me " poisoning food and drinks that's in our refrigerator with the kitchen cleaning products "

It made me feel so disgusting , awful, I was very scared and I was having a panic attack

I kept on telling myself I would never do that , I kept on telling myself I have no memory of touching any of those kitchen cleaning products, I kept on telling myself I have no memory of ever doing that to calm me down to try to fight off the terrible thoughts and images of this evil terrible thought

I even told myself that I would drink and eat anything in the refrigerator

I don't have any urges to do anything like this

It's mentally and physically paralizing when u have thoughts and images that u did this act

What gives me hope is me telling myself that I have no memory of doing this

And I look at the kitchen cleaning products on top of our refrigerator to try to face my fears, I look at the cleaning products and tell myself that I have never touched any of them , and that I would never purposively poison anyone's drinks or food

The next day and today me being in the kitchen causes a lot of worries and it scares me , it's this constant fear that since I have these intrusive thoughts that I will lose consciousness somehow and poison food and drinks and not remember.

I feel like if I told my roomates to hide the kitchen cleaning products I would feel a little better

But that would scare them

I have to face my fears and I know that I would never poison food and drinks

It's awful these intrusive thoughts and intrusive images have made me feel super depressed and super sick , I've been thinking about going to the mental hospital