I am new to this forum. I'm posting because my wife is driving me crazy. It has finally got to the point where I have insisted that we go to counseling. I met with a psychiatrist last week to describe my situation at home. She listened and even agreed that some of what I was describing sounded like abusive behavior. She called it "crazy making behavior". Mostly though, I talked. She listened, then suggested that I come back with my wife so she could meet with both of us. My wife was initially reluctant to go but when she realized that it was a near ultimatum, she agreed. We have an appointment next week.

While waiting for our appointment, I am posting here to get other opinions on her behavior. I am curious if others think it abusive or if I'm just being too sensitive. I'll try to described the things that are bothering me, and i would appreciate opinions.

1) My wife constantly criticizes me. She doesn't use derogatory terms or call me stupid, but she will say that things I like are stupid. Mostly she just makes makes me feel stupid, like nothing I do is ever good enough. Things like when I'm helping make diner or washing dishes, she'll tell me I'm doing it wrong or corrects me in a condescending tone. Things like, I'm using the wrong pot or pan, or the wrong size tupperware. Or I'm using the wrong dish brush to clean with or using too much water. Over the course of an evening, I'll get at least 10 corrections or criticisms. She does not offer her corrections/criticisms in a loving way, but more in a matter of fact "your wrong" kind of way with a subtle condescending tone.

2) My wife is bossy. She's always telling me what to do. Things like telling me to let the dogs outside when she's right next to the door and I'm on the other side of the room. Or if I'm helping her cook, she'll tell me 2 or 3 things to do, then before I'm done with the first, she gets upset with me that I haven't already done the 2nd or 3rd thing yet. Or if she ask me to stir something, I'll start to stir it, them she'll just come over and take the spoon from me and start stirring it herself as if I'm not doing it correctly.

3) Ever since we got married, she insist that I put eye cream, face cream and hand lotion on every night and morning after washing my face. If she doesn't see me do it, she ask if I put my face stuff on and even ask me if I'm lying if she doesn't believe me. I hate putting all this crap on all the time. If it were just one lotion or cream it wouldn't be so bad, but I have to use all the products she gets for me in the correct order or she gets mad. I am not a metro sexual. I am a blue collar type guy. I don't like feeling like I'm putting makeup on. I do it just to avoid the lectures and scorn that I will get if I don't, but I hate doing it.

4) She's very picky about what she (and I) eat. She is obsessive about eating healthy and she decides what we eat. If I eat something she doesn't like, I get a lecture about it, or at the very least a dissaproving look. If I offer to cook diner, she'll want to know what I'm planning to cook and I usually have to go through 2 or 3 suggestions before she'll finally just get frustrated and say she'll take care of diner and then complain about how she is the one who has to do all the meal planning. Even if my suggestions are things that she has said she likes before. Similarly, she complains about having to go grocery shopping. When I have offered to go to the grocery store, she'll say that she still has to make a grocery list and that's just as much as of a burden.

5) She screams at me over trivial things. For example, a while back, I started a load of laundry shortly before we were going to leave the house. I made sure I had enough time for it to be done before I had to leave, but when she saw that I had started it she got mad at me. she told me I shouldn't have started it before I left. When I told her that I had enough time she started screaming at me telling me I was wrong and that I shouldn't have started a load of laundry before checking with her.

Another example; Recently on a Saturday morning, we both left the house to run errands. While I was out, I stopped at starbucks for a cup of coffee. When we both got home, we were putting away groceries and she started making a pot of coffee (i did not notice that she was doing this). When she saw my coffee cup in the recycling bin, she got mad at me for not telling her I had already had coffee. She said I should have told her before she started making a new pot because it's wasteful. When I told her I didn't know she was making a pot of coffee, she started screaming at me saying "you just sat there and watched me make a pot of coffee".

This type of screaming occurs about once every week or two.

6) She was married before. After her divorce, she changed her name back to her maiden name on everything but her passport. From before we were married, we talked about needing to get that changed so we could travel. A month or two after we got married, one of my best friends announced that he was getting married. He was my college roommate and lives in another country now, so in order for us to go, she would have to get her passport renewed with her new name. Every time I asked about it she would get mad/defensive and say she didn't have the correct documentation for a name change and didn't have time to get it done. Every time I asked about it, she'd get mad and say either that I was accusing her of lying about what documentation she needed to get her name changed or that I was accusing her of just choosing not to do anything about it. I even went to the passport office to see if she would be able to travel on her current passport. When I told her about that she got mad at me and said I was arrogant and condescending to suggest that she travel with a document that still had her old married name on it. As the wedding got closer, and I accepted that now she really didn't have time to get it fixed, I asked her if she would be upset if I went by myself. She was very upset. She said that it was my intention to go alone all along and that going alone was more important to me than going with my wife and that I was acting selfishly for wanting to go without regard for my wife's feelings. Then she also said that I should go because I had made it clear that my friends were more important to me then my wife.

I did go by myself, and she let me know before, during and after the trip what a horrible person I was for it.

Overall, we don't go two weeks without her screaming at me about something. The criticisms and constant corrections are almost daily. I'm at my wit's end. I can barely even talk to her about anything going on in my life for fear of it escalating to an argument. I make it through the evenings by keeping it to small talk and going to bed early.

Am I crazy? Is this normal behavior or is it abusive?

I'm at the point where I don't know if I can take it anymore. At the same time I feel guilty that I can't seem to figure out how to maintain normal communications. I've tried telling her that these things upset me. I don't know what to do. I am glad she agreed to go to counseling but I don't know that I'm very optimistic that anything will come of it. She has already stated that she doesn't think our arguing is unusual. She doesn't think her behavior is unusual.

I do love and care about her and I know that if I left her it would hurt her badly, and I don't want to hurt her, but I don't know how to get her to change her behavior and her behavior is hurting me.