I just got home from my therapist who said that I need more help than her every 2 weeks and my pdoc every 6 weeks.
She had me call the crisis line with her and since I'm not sui or homicidal there aren't any other resources in the area for me unless I go inpatient. They said to volunteer with my church more (and I do a lot already) and that I should stop pretending and hiding what I feel around other people. I was raised to put others first and think about them before me so acting the way I feel seems to completely contradict that. Right now I am still going thru med changes. Its been 4 years and after 3 months of trying the newest one it really isn't working either. I really don't have much hope that anything is going to change or that my future holds anything but endless mood swings and med changes.