I am an expert about hiding my feelings from others. I, totally, understand why it would be hard for you to just quit doing that. I would find it next to impossible.

I'm Bipolar II and stay mostly depressed. I been on so many different drugs that didn't do any good. I can't even remember them all anymore. I had a slight up swing a couple of weeks ago and finally thought they found one that worked but only to go back down after a few days. So I understand how you don't have much hope, neither do I at this point. But we are in it together, so stick around.