Quote:
Originally Posted by A Red Panda
I'm sorry that you're feeling an extra loss just before having to re-enter a hellish situation growli. 
At the same time... I sorta wish your T had done this for you sooner. Your attachment is unhealthy (as you've literally viewed her as a new mom) and she should have realised it sooner and taken action to help you readjust to just viewing as her as "like a mother-figure".
I'm sorry that you have less than a week to make that readjustment.
I think in the long run this might be good for you - because you sorta have no choice now but to learn how to have a healthy relationship/attachment with someone. I just wish that you could have learned this in a more gradual manner alongside learning some self-care.
I understand that it's super-difficult when you don't really even understand the concept. And that 2 months is a very short time - which is exactly why I feel sad that it's taken until the last 5 days for your T to really push you to start learning!
I know that my message is probably going to not come across very well.. but I do mean well. If I knew how to have a healthy attachment to someone I'd gladly try to offer advice... but I tend to keep people are a very far distance and I sort of snowball to nearly-clingy when I do open up (even if I don't really show it as I keep that clinginess inside).
ETA: (you posted while I was typing so didn't see your latest) Your anger is totally justified. And I know that it's hard to learn to love yourself... but you know... I don't love myself either, but I can say with absolute certainty that you can learn to take care of yourself (emotionally and physically and mentally) fairly well even if you don't. I've learned to like myself... sometimes. Through learning how to take care of myself. |
I don't know if she waited two months to push me. She pushed me in other areas. I think that just by the nature of this program it is hard to avoid really intense transference. That's why most people don't stay as long in this program as I have.
For example, my T ran this group today where we did something called "body scans". She had us all lie down on some yoga mats, close our eyes, and say what we felt in each body part to a partner. I hate hate HATE both lying down next to someone and closing my eyes. Both make me feel super vulnerable. T knows that, but she wanted me to do it because she says I'm super disconnected from my body. So she sits down next to me, puts her hand on my forehead and tells me over and over that I'm safe while asking me to close my eyes. I immediately start crying and I'm not totally sure why. I do that whenever someone makes me close my eyes.
But it's just like, she sets down boundaries one day and then the next day is "mom" again. The thing is that she is acting within the boundaries she set. I didn't bother her and ask for attention all day so I was managing my own emotions and that is her goal. But it's just frustrating.