Thanks sunny, yes you are right in what you said about my wanting to talk but the T not encouraging it. I tell her something, as I've tried to tell her about my 'falling apart' that I wrote about in my "chicken letter to my t" post and I get a reaction comparable to "huh". End of discussion. In the midst of working on expressing my thoughts and concerns to her last session about wanting to talk more and other questioning what we are doing she replied that she uses the approach that suits the person she is working with. I thought we were in a discussion but at the end of her statement she asked what I wanted to work on. I WAS working on... on voicing my concerns which is so hard for me.

Every session I am to say what I want to work on. Meaning, it will be the focus of the guided imagery. For example I chose to work on self-criticism. Since that is a negative, we turned it into a positive goal of working on awareness and objectivity. All done via the guided imagery.

She knows I have been talking informally with a person who has a doctorate in psychology but doesn't practice (developed a separate successful business during school and training and decided to stay with that) and who is analytical. I have told her that I like that. Just last session when I told her I'd been talking to the other person (who this t talked with before I began with her) and that I really liked it, this t pointed out the the other person was analytical as if comparing the two of them and telling me that she is not.

If I tell her, as I did last session, that I had an episode of 'falling apart' (emotional meltdown) again and that I was still reeling from it, I want her to want to know more about it. I want her to ask me what it's like when that happens. How it starts, what happens next, what I'm feeling, how it runs its course, etc.

She is convinced that all the things we do (behavior) is the result of the unconcious telling us to do the same thing we've always done, in spite of learning or knowing other things conciously. For example, a person knows it is not a good thing to smoke, they want to quit, they have many good reasons to quit; so they quit, but are drawn back to it by the unconcious. (In my defense here, I quit cold turkey on my own on 3/1/05 and in spite of many extremely stressful times I have not gone back to it, so I have some skepticism there when she says that and uses that example)

When I want to stay inside all the time, I want to talk about why I want that. What thought processes are involved in deciding it is better to stay inside, what thoughts are there that I am scaring myself with when I think about going out. When I have frequent panic episodes about being alone and feeling incapable of caring for myself and fears of losing what little I haven't yet lost, I want to talk about it and I want some reassurance. I want to feel that she cares about me and will take care of me, or help me take care of me.

I can follow instructions. I can read a map. But I want to do more than move from point A to point B just because that is the path that has been decided I need to take. I want to understand point A and be part of the decision as to where and what point B is.

I have unresolved childhood abuse issues. I have unresolved adult abuse issues. I just finished raising my son alone, last year insisting (with help from police because of his anger/threats) that he live independently (he was 27). I moved across the country 4 years ago then lost my car and became a bus person. In a 10 year time prior to that I lost a beloved job of 12 years to downsizing of the entire office (and subsequently was downsized 3 more times), lost my house in a wonderful neighborhood, put my son through drug rehab, lost both my parents. Just the way it goes and others have faced much worse than I have. So now, I'm finding it hard to deal with the past that won't leave me alone and I don't know where I want to go from here...move on to ??? I just want to feel better, not be afraid all the time, not have emotional meltdowns, not stay isolated. I don't know who I am anymore.

Of all that, my t only knows about that I have unresolved abuse stuff. She has talked in generalities about distancing oneself from things in the past so they don't feel like they are happening again now. That the unconsious is what keeps the connection and creates the fight or flight responses to it. I trust that she is right on this. But there is just something lacking for me. What about right now? What about my meltdowns? What about me, my feelings, my fears? Helping me understand where the depression and anxiety come from?

Well I didn't mean to ramble, I just sat down and wrote. I don't know if that helps explain it any more or not. I'm not coming from the same place as I was a few days ago if you know what I mean? Some days I feel thoughful and articulate and other days I have a very hard time expressing my thoughts and feelings. This is a time of mental confusion and slowness for me. Bear with..thanks.

ECHOES