i think we are supposed to meet this friday. i seem to have developed a mental block with respect to the writing si it might just be the case that option two it is. or if that doesn't work out then i guess i'll revert to option one. i guess it is possible that he will want to talk about it and thus he will provide a way in to the topic which would really help me along at this stage. but yeah, i'll go. took a while but i think i am well and truely over the 'i just won't go' option.

i don't want to be expected to switch for the reason that i don't want to switch in sessions. i think i can do a fairly good job of preventing that but i would really not be able to cope if he was attempting to instigate it by calling on them (for example) or if he really tried to force it. i think that if he really tried to force it i would try and find someone else to work with.

why don't i want to switch in sessions? because i'm afraid. afraid of different things with different parts.
- i'm afraid kt will bound across the room into his lap and throw her arms around his neck. i'm not too sure how old she thinks she is... sometimes i think she is about seven but sometimes she thinks she has the body of a three year old. if she were to try and do that yeah he could react badly. that wouldn't be good. rejection. another thing that could happen would be that she would realise that she isn't the size of a three year old after all and then one of the others would come out...
- i'm afraid a. will try to seduce him. he might go along with that (which would be bad) or he might not. that wouldn't be good either. rejection. she is capable of anger / rage too.
- i'm afraid w. will let loose with the verbal attack.
- i'm afraid j. will scream. and scream. and scream.

basically... i don't want them acting out. i think the fairly 'standard line' on treating this kind of thing is for the therapist to get them to act out. get them to act out... then work on bringing their acting out into the conscious awareness of the aspect that presents for treatment (me). basically, i want to do things differently. i want to work on bringing their thoughts and feelings and opinions and desires into the conscious awareness of the aspect that presents for treatment (me). but i don't see why it has to start with the acting out. see... my not going to session would be a case of my acting out. i think it is important to prevent acting out as much as possible and work on more healthy ways of communicating (i.e., verbally) right from the very beginning...

i'm also scared that i'm making up stories after all. that that will be the upshot. that he will be frustrated and mad with me and he won't want to work with me anymore. what if they don't come out? what if they aren't so very different from me? i'm terrified i'm making up stories half the time... i don't want to do this. ever. ever ever ever. therapy is about stopping their acting out not promoting it IMHO and i don't see why one has to promote it initially in the effort to curb it.

the intensity is basically what people are getting at when they say that transference is necessary for therapy. not all theorists think that transference is necessary, but i really think that for those who think transference is necessary what they are really getting at is the emotional involvement (cathexis?) is necessary. the emotional intensity.

i don't really read up on 'my diagnosis' anymore. kind of given up on diagnoses as being particularly meaningful. instead i just read and reflect on me and my situation and take from it what i can. there is something called 'inability to mentalise when the attachment system is active'. basically the notion is that the person can be very capable of healthy relationships. appropriate interactions, etc etc. but: when they really really really really really care about someone (when the attachment system is active) then the abilities seem to just fly out the window. so you might be able to have okay relationships with friends and acquaintances and not have so very many paranoid thoughts (might be able to deal with them very well indeed). but when the attachment system is active one just can't seem to deal with them. the person is going to leave / hurt you. and you can't seem to deal with it the way you can when the attachment system is not active.

so therapy is supposed to be about getting that ability to mentalise online while the attachment system is active. and that involves... working through all the difficulaties that come up when the attachment system is active. and that involves... the atachment system being activated in your interaction with your t.

absolutely it changes things considerably for me. absolutely it does.