To my psychiatrist,

The mistake you committed in 1996 cost me. You were my primary psychiatrist, one who failed to advocate for me, the puzzling patient. You ignored your instincts. Was it really that difficult to question yourself and the professional opinions of your colleagues? You were so convinced I was a certain way and came from a certain background. You even told me I had a substance abuse problem because I smoked pot 6 times in 6 months. I hardly call that a substance use problem. You diagnosed me with PTSD and told me my psychotic symptoms were due to dissociation and stress caused by my personality. Now all this is in my chart. (You could add a letter to my medical records to correct your errors. Anyway, you have privileges so it wouldn't be that difficult.)

I ended up with a BPD diagnosis from your colleague, the inpatient attending. After that no one wanted to deal with me. Some doctors would look at my chart and treat me terribly because of that diagnosis. Even you admitted that to me about 4 months ago.

Today you told me my personality is the cause of my despondency. You nearly accused me of malingering, because I did not have a good enough reason to feel sad.

Do I have to be floridly psychotic for you to hear me? Do I? You know when I was diagnosed with BPD I was ignored and basically told to my face that my situation was helpless. No psychiatrist would have given a damn if I had succeeded back in September 1998. They probably would've laughed it off. Didgee's dead and gone. We don't have to ****ing deal with her anymore. I'm not quitting on that topic because it hurts and it's real. Perhaps it's parallel to the psychotic who is in denial of their illness. But their illness is more legitimate than mine, whatever mine is. Whatever they do or say is excused. I am told it's me, my personality is what causes my problems.

Livid Didgee