Ugh. I'm still thinking about how difficult/wonderful today was with her and I'm just going to continue to tell the story here.

I don't think I've felt as vulnerable when I was lying on the ground next to my T in a really long time if ever. I only managed to close my eyes for a few seconds, but I kept trying despite the fact that the only thing that resulted was more tears streaming down my face. Her voice was so gentle and soft when she asked me to talk about every part of my body starting from my feet. She rested her hand on my forehead and she was there with me, her eyes filled with so much deep empathy and pain as she listened to me go throughout my body and report basically everything I hate about it. I swear it almost felt like my harsh words about myself cut her as badly as they cut me. She knew I hate my body, but I had never articulated it to that extent. She asked me to find something that I like about my body. I said I like how the organs function properly. She smiled and said I have a cute nose which I have never heard before.

Right after the group, I found her making tea in the kitchen. I walked up to her. She smiled at me with this wildly playful smile that strongly articulated that she thinks my ridiculousness is endearing.
Me: "hi."
T: "hi"
Me: "I saw you and I came over here and I don't know why"
T: *laughes* "Did you come here to tell me that you hate me for pushing you so hard with that last group?"
Me: "No. Maybe I came over here to tell you that I love you for staying by my side"
Her eyes got all soft again and even though she didn't say it back, I know it was mutual. Well, at least I think I know it was mutual. She said she wished she could have stayed with me longer and she was really proud of me for trying so hard.

It's just moments like this that are so sweet I have a really hard time believing I interpreted the situation incorrectly. Why would she pull me in like that but then set up boundaries? Moments like that feel like they are leading me on, but I know it really isn't. We can still have affectionate moments/days despite the fact that I can't be her literal daughter. It's just so hard for me to accept that even though I can't have this relationship be the full maternal figure I envision in my mind, it is still okay. I want the entire experience or I discount what I perceive to be a partial experience because that moment we had today was by no means a partial experience and I need to stop trying to reanalyze it, looking for her rejecting me.