Thank you Sunny, I am not at all really together but I read and research a lot and have had a wonderful year with the person online I referred to who has a doctorate in psychology. The gap between intellectually understanding things and feeling them is what I'm trying to fill.

I want to explore and understand the perceptions and thought processes that are connected to my problems. She wants to work on tasks like acquiring assertivenes, for example. That is CBT to me: solving without exploration and understanding. Task-oriented instead of process-oriented. For example, I want to explore abandonment, worthlessness, lovability, control, separateness, intimacy. Where were they learned? What are my perceptions? How do they work in my life? How do they work in helpful and in unhelpful ways....

The difference to me is that CBT tells me what to do but it doesn't change anything internally. I can 'do' a lot of things but I still feel empty and alone and afraid; depressed and anxious.

I like the guided imagery. I like that she's introduced me to that and indirectly to meditation and relaxation. The meditation and relaxation would be more helpful if I could have more calm days that I'm not spending all my energy on trying to hold myself together. I don't know how helpful the guided imagery has been but it is enjoyable to do. I want to add to it is all. Maybe I want too much.

ECHOES