Thanks for the replies, I dont think im afraid to share whats goin on with me with them.. but more of I don't know whats going on, does that make sense? When they said bipolar, it shifted everything upside down because i hadn't expected anything like that. I am aware that some certain people experience a stage of denial? but at the same time i feel like im not so much in denial as i am in defense mode because i dont believe the Dx is accurate..
I've told them that i dont think im bipolar a few times and they just keep telling me i need to take my medication as prescribed, I've told them that i dont think i experience mania and they try to explain to me that people with bipolar experience cycles and that not all bipolars cycles are the same - some people dont experience highs they told me. But from all of the reading i've done so far i thought that to be diagnosed Bipolar there has to be atleast 1 case of mania ?
I've been dysthymic for probably over the past.. 4-6 years? before then i was "in love" and blinded, till my heart shattered and i came crashing back down to my reality where i was before i fell in love besides its getting/ gotten worse

I just cant seem to see how mania fits into my life at all, It just doesnt seem like its possible to find a case where mania was present.. even when i was blinded by love and dancing around jumping on the sofas, I became paranoid and obesive i believe, but i think any one that went through what i went through would have felt the same..

I dont think you can be beaten and broken but so many times before you start to question everything right.. if i am bipolar, im stuck in a depressive low apparently... but i believe that my prognosis is close if not dead on
PTSD, MDD, Social phobia, Panic disorder w/o agoraphobia (social phobia takes care of my agoraphobia >.>), possible GAD, maybe something else im forgetting atm,..

alas, how do you know if you have experienced sexual abuse/assault? and physcial/ verbal abuse, psychological abuse? Im not even sure how to bring those subjects up with my drs and think i have "forgotten" alot of what happened

I just don't want to go through more trouble and pain than i have to, and i feel like if im misdiagnosed i wont be able to treat or face the problems that are causing me so many issues.. I know that they can't just take my diagnosis and use it but how can i steer it in the right direction? i feel like when i try to tell them what i think about that they just push away from the subject and try to explain bipolar which makes me feel a little worse because i feel lost and alone with my treatment rather than feeling like things are going good

Is it possible for people to show signs of bipolar or be diagnosed bipolar because of things like abuse? during my evaluation (i think it was an evaluation) i dont know what i said when he asked about that, a few things he asked about i cant remember how i answered and feel like instead of giving a clear answer i just made it worse for myself, can i do the evaluation over? or ask to be screened for certain things? i want to know whats happening with me more than anyone i think..
anyway, gonna hop off and try to distract myself..
thanks for your time and kind replies

side note:
maybe i should note at this time that i still smoke cannabis, but it doesnt turn me into a mindless couch zombie... dunno what would have happened to me by now if it wasn't for that flower