I think your wife and my wife are sisters!!!!!

I'm willing to bet it is her upbringing, her parents (or guardians) taught her this. My wife's parents (especially her mom) was/is VERY VERY critical and intruding into EVERY aspect of her/our life. It is almost NSA-like creepy. Her mom is nosy, critical and insecure... I see it clear as day now, it took several years and therapy sessions to see it.... .... but, my wife doesn't see it and is VERY defensive of her parents...they can do NO wrong.... she takes their side in ANY and ALL planning/disagreements/ideas.
She probably didn't get much positive reinforcement growing up. And when she tried to 'grow up' and be her own person, she was kept down and made to feel inadequate therefore seeks their approval (STILL)..... -- at least that's what my shrink says.

Does this at all sound familiar? If not, look closer at the relationship with her parental figure... look for the criticisms and seeking acceptance. I bet it's there.

I know it's hard because we are living with the results. And I don't know how to fix it... as I'm still in the middle of it. BUT, I do feel better because now I know what is causing it. -- I just have to remember to tell myself, it's not me.. it's not me.. it's not me...

Good luck with your counselor brother!!