I really feel like i just hate myself...

I keep trying to make changes do better in my life and yes I am progressing but I keep slipping back into habbits of things that maybe I should or should not be doing.

I have struggled for a long time with a sex addiction. I am in a relationship right now....

however I have a person that I have mutal masterbated with before..and in the past....
this was someone whom I had a fwb relationship with before and who I ended up falling in love with but he did not feel the same for me but cared about me very deeply, as a good friend.

Its hard to break off the habbit of being sexual with someone...cause I trust him and frankly even though i am happy to be in this relationship I am also really scared he has a sex addiction.....that he has struggled with.

He does not have great comitment skills when it comes to relationship and he is scared of hurting me.

When we were first dating i was still involved with two other people in my life in a sexual way ....because I was not getting the full jest of that he wanted or did not want a comited relationship from me...so I thought "well I am still single and I can do things with others cause....I am not tied to anyone"

My behavior is close to being a cheater but its not......its borderline.

I tried to set up boundaries with people that worked for others, and I thought with the whole mutal masterbation thing that was what was going on. But it was working for me and not everyone else.

my intentions were never to hurt anyone what so ever...and so far I have not....I am just getting really close to possibly doing so.

I keep feeling I need to use the self affirmation to myself that....
"simply because you love more then one person does not mean you have to have sex with those people."

I romantically in my heart love three people in my life right now...but I know realistically for a relationship I can only have one of these people.

and I have to live with that. I like the idea of polyamory that one can or should love more then one person.....I like it in theory.

For me when I have tried to live my life in this fashion...it simply creates drama and stress for all involved. And I really try my best to put myself out there to care for other people other then myself...and I do...

I just don't always do a good job of showing it.

I am really, really emotionally sensitive. and have a tendency to say what is on my mind at the time I feel that way....

and I am lucky my friends understand me well enough to know that...I am not trying to be selfish when i do this...that i just don't do a good job of thinking about others and how something may or may not make them feel in the long run.

I don't consider consequences and I really need too.

But what I hate the most is how I turn around look at all this junk in my life and truly deep down just feel like I hate myself for it all.

I wish I could turn around say no I am fine with all this I will be ok...thing will turn out fine...but I know I would be lying.

But just cause I feel like I hate myself does not mean I want to be sucidial or that I am going to be.

or that I want to stay in that place where I hate myself....it just means for me anyway.

This is how I feel for right now!