That was a heartless thing for your brother to scream. Does he think that mental illness is fun or something? Something like that would only ADD to your pain.

I'm lucky Doug has stuck with me, so far, I wonder how long it will last, because this monster doesn't look like it's moving. As for my family, hah, no help from them whatsoever in battling this. They're willing to help with supplies , spend hours on housework because the attendants don't have time for it. But tell them I'm depressed and angry over the past and it's "you're wallowing in it!" Even Doug doesn't think I'm mentally ill. I have to describe it as an emotional problem, although if Doug weren't there for me, I'd have suicided half a dozen times already, including today.

I'm so lonely and desperate for love that I'm cuddling and kissing a teddy bear, over and over again. The more I read of other patients with BPD, the more frightened I getersons with multiple sexual partners, walking into traffic, praying they'll get hit by a car... And I have no significant other at all at 33. I don't want to run into my father all over again. My daydreams, my sole defense against the worst ravages of the disease, allowed for no deep thoughts, like how scared I was of my father and how lonely I was. It even protected me from suiciding, because I was only fantasizing about it for an alternate self.

Those defenses have been down for months and may never return. I want them back, because my life has become terrible without them. I am tenderly loving a teddy bear, wishing for a real person to love (but can't, because of how he might feel about my disability and because I might hurt him like I've hurt the people here and elsewhere.) I am fighting off suicidal impulses often, previously unheard of for me to consider suicide.

I will lock myself away for the rest of my life, praying and singing hymns to God and hope that will be enough to ease the pain.

If we are heroes who fight alone, it's because those closest to us leave us no choice. Don't be a hypocrite and applaud my courage. Courage implies I chose to live like this, that I wanted to live like this. Neither of these options apply. I want to be well. I want this agony gone, I don't want to spend the last of my days kissing a teddy bear over and over again because of how lonely I am and fearful of human contact.

Our families are the least understanding of the lot and mine should know better. Many of them are depressed themselves and rather than draw us closer together, it tears us apart and is treated like a filthy secret.

Faith family friendships healing...those are the four things that Father Lindsay said I needed to heal. My family ties are precarious and close to non-existant, friendships unstable because I isolate myself, so no healing can take place.

Family....NUTS.

There is a thing more crippling than cerebral palsy: the prison of your own mind.