I honestly don't know what else to do with my life and in a way, the spirit did move me a week or two ago. Originally, I was dead set in getting my doctorate, but then I sort of got disillusioned about the whole idea because of a couple of things I disagreed with in teaching my subject. One had to do with the philosophy of it—I originally thought that since I disagreed with the philosophy I shouldn't teach, but then I realized that I was thinking about it wrong. I could still teach using my own philosophy and make a difference. The other problem was the politics…my favorite professor got so much crap from the other professors, not to mention the fact that he's probably been there longer than most of the others in the department, yet he gets one of the smallest paychecks. I don't know his whole past with the university, so maybe it's racism, maybe it's not.

The point is, I inadvertently put him in a situation that would have cost him his job if he weren't tenured. Other professors were talking trash about him to me behind his back and getting mad that he was copying all their e-mails to him to me. And I even told him that he did the right thing in the situation that got him into trouble and that he shouldn't let the other faculty members convince him otherwise.

That being said, 99% of the time, the faculty there is awesome and that crap usually stays between them and most students don't know much about it. I just happened to be right in the middle of it all.

Also, I have a lot of problems with guilt and always feeling like I'm doing the wrong thing and all that. I mean, I feel guilty for eating…and because it costs money, not because of the calories or anything (although I'm not saying that doesn't bother me at all).

I don't know if the feelings of doubt are real or because of how I feel about everything. Also, the main doubt was whether or not I really would be using the degree as intended (i.e. become a professor) because those spots are difficult to get. However, I don't see myself having a career in music (academic or otherwise) without the D.M.A. I guess I just feel guilty about it because I basically just did a 180…after I got the masters I was convinced that I was done and that I needed to go off on my own (live in the real world for a while) and now that I have and have realized that the real world is a horrible, horrible place where the best I can do is work at a job that would potentially cause me physical harm and pay me minimum wage or a little more if I'm lucky.

With no offense intended for those who have those sort of jobs, I'm above that. I'm sorry…I didn't get an education to work at that kind of job. That isn't my destiny. I don't know for sure (as I can't see the future) if the doctorate will lead me directly towards my destiny or not…but not getting a doctorate certainly won't.

And if I can physically handle working part-time at one of those physically dangerous jobs, I should be able to pay for most of the expenses. Same with if I get a TA position. And I still have some money left in my college fund, so maybe there won't be much paid out of pocket? I don't know…all I know is the deadline for the application (and the other dozen things that go with it) is January 15th so I've been panicking inside since the 15th of this month. I can't seem to be able to get my thoughts on paper and I'm afraid I'm going to remember something wrong or forget a name (I can't look anything up for one of the essays).