littlep

i know. i know--i know.

my husband and i are now separated after 10 years. the fights you describe, the emotional toll on your children, are similar to my own past experience. my husband is an undiagnosed boderline. i am bi-polar.

i experienced a lot of guilt. guilt about not being good enough as a mother and wife. but what happened for me, is my youngest started kindergarten, and my husband was away for a year in korea(military).

suddenly, i had all this time--for myself. i took an accounting. i realized, i am not a housewife. i started out being pretty neat. but i was KILLING myself to be what everyone else expected me to be. so i stopped. he came home from leave, and i said, do your own laundry. you didn't marry a washer woman. fight number one. i told him, i'm going back to school. fight number two. i told him, i'm done being your whipping girl, i'm done being the person you blame for everything that's wrong with your life. divorce.

i am not suggesting that the right path for you is divorce.

mothers run around trying to take care of everyone, and nobody, except other mothers, realize just HOW BIG the job is. in the case of my spouse, he was another kid. the job you do is HUGE. even if you are doing a half assed job--it's still big.

i learned to love myself first--not the kids, not the husband but ME. i tell my kids now, you better leave me alone for a couple of hours or the game you want to play, the pokemon cards you want me to get, the movie you want to see--it ain't gonna happen. what's wierd is--they can handle it when i tell them the truth. what they can't handle is lying or uncertainty.

so, from my experience, my suggestion to you, is to try and get away for a little while. by yourself--for yourself. i mean this is the nicest possible way, give to yourself, forget the kids--forget your husband. you need to put up with yourself and your faults. you are not an angel, you are not a devil, you are a regular human being that needs understanding, love, and someone to listen. regression or healthy or better has nothing to do with ANY of this.

oh, and since you are bipolar, depressed, and have BPD traits, i'm pretty sure your husband's wiring upstairs isn't all up to code.