Quote:
Originally Posted by Asiablue
You have a mother. She might not be a very good one, and clearly she has her own issues but a mother who doesn't care doesn't financially support her daughter thru college, doesn't advocate fiercely for what she thinks is best for her daughter (even if she is wrong and abusive or whatever is going on with her) let her 20 year old daughter come home, a mother who truly doesn't care kicks you out as soon as possible and has nothing to do with you. On some level no matter how screwed up she is, in her own limited way she is showing her love and care for you.
I'm not sticking up for her when i say that, i think she's done terrible damage to you but it's not black and white, there are shades of grey. And she thinks what she's doing is out of love. That's what mothers do.
|
No. She advocates for what is best for her. Not me. If she advocated for me, she'd listen to what I want and what the trained professionals believe is best for me. She financially supports me so she can brag to her friends about what I'm doing with my life. She cares about what I can maybe do for her and me as an extension of her but she doesn't give a damn about me. She doesn't even know me. When prompted with ideas for structure, she recommended that I go to church support groups and walk dogs. I'm an atheist and I'm afraid of dogs after seeing my sister get attacked by a great dane when I was 8. She doesn't know me so how can she possibly care about me?
If she cared about me, why didn't she come see me in the hospital? She's not poor. She could have easily afforded a plane ticket and gotten out here. If she was so concerned and so distraught, why did she drop off the face of the earth and completely stop trying to talk to me? She wants to make herself out to be a martyr because she spends money on me. She has an abundance of that. She can spend all the money she wants, but at the end of the day she wasn't going to make an effort to come out and support me. Trust me, I didn't want her to. I didn't want to see her face. But I thought she'd at least offer.
She's not "letting me come home". She's forcing me to go back to her basement so she can feel like she is controlling me. You might come back with "oh well she can't force you to do anything". She said if I don't go back, she will completely cut me off, stop paying for my treatment, stop paying my rent, stop paying for my school. And I wouldn't be able to get a job fast enough to have a chance in hell at supporting myself in any conceivable way and I don't have a credit score so I can't get a loan. So she made my options being homeless and starving or going back. She's not "letting" me do anything.
I don't care if she thinks she is doing this out of love. I don't care if she does love me in some twisted way. I don't even care if she does care about me. If love involves physically hurting me, terrorizing me, guilt tripping me, emotionally neglecting me, mocking me, destroying my relationships with my other family members, etc, then I want no part of it. She can take her "love" and shove it because her "love" means **** to me. The woman that gave birth to me is not my mother beyond biologically. She is a bully who uses me to build herself up and loves watching me crash down.
Maybe this is black and white thinking. Maybe I should be more sympathetic towards her because of her obvious diagnosed mental issues and unresolved issues with her parents. But I honestly have no sympathy and quite frankly, she doesn't deserve it. I was a child and she should have known better. Having mental issues or a rough past is a reason for bad behavior and is in NO way an excuse. To me, this is very black and white. If someone is tearing me down and hurting me whenever they interact with me, they don't care about me and I want them out of my life. And I believe that it should be black and white in this case. People shouldn't make excuses for their abusers and shades of gray fade when someone is being hurt.
I hate this notion that people have that because she's my biological mother I need to have sympathy or patience for her or say that I have a "mother" who cares for me in dollar bills. "Blood is thicker than water". Well, maple syrup is thicker than both and I've gotten so much more emotional support from pancakes than my mother. "It's better than nothing". That's ********. I would much rather have had no mother at all than have a mother who made me live every day of my life feeling like a mistake.
I'm sorry to just suddenly lash out a ton of anger at your post. I don't really know what you were hoping pointing that out would accomplish and I appreciate that you are trying to help and that your post didn't warrant this much of a backlash, but saying that I have a mother who cares about me because she supports me financially despite being abusive all my life is kinda like saying that my father cares about me because he wires me money occasionally despite the fact that I think he raped me. I don't care if they "care". If they cared in an adequate way, they would have cared enough to treat me like a decent human being instead of some troll they regret having.