Growli, I've said it before, that I think your T is doing OK by you. She is fulfilling different roles for you because she is in different roles: T, case manager, residential, and, yes, surrogate mom. I don't see any evidence that she's surreptitiously undermining you psychologically to make herself your mother. Nor that she's being careless. I know there are those who disagree, and I respect their concerns, but I think those concerns come from a place of defensiveness and self-protection, rather than speak to your situation. I think her balancing of casual engagements like buying make-up with the expectation that you take on more of your own emotional self-regulation, shows both her care and carefulness.

There is little to nothing about your childhood and relationship to your parents that is "normal," yet there seems to be a lot of emphasis from them on putting forward a public image of normalcy. Money can go a long way to creating such an image. I know. But underneath the surface, it's all terribly, terribly wrong.

It's pretty clear that your family is deeply dysfunctional, and while I might be able to find some sympathy for your parents as individuals, their actions are inexcusable. The fact that your mother is acting the way she is now speaks volumes about how she must have acted during your childhood.

I'm pretty sure your T recognizes this, and I think what she's doing is trying to be a stabilizing influence for you on a number of levels. And one of those levels is that of daily, casual, normal, maternal interactions. Experiences you should have had growing up, but were denied. I think she wants to help you experience a foundation of normalized experiences that will help you to develop the emotional strength to disengage from the dysfunction of your family. You can't let go of the powerful negative tie to your family until you have something to replace it. What replaces it is a combination of practical experiences, emotional development, and psychological growth.

It's understandable that your emotional reactions to your relationship are going to swing widely. I think the best thing you can do is share those reactions in real time as much as possible with her. This will help her to calibrate how she is with you more closely. I think it will also allow you to build up more security with her, and quiet some of the doubts and fears about her failing you.

There is life beyond your family, and you will get there.