This is coming based off Asia's and growli's posts:

My mom didn't do anything maternal really. She had high expectations that were set for me, and she is "proud" of me only in the sense that she can brag to others about how successful I am. She's never done any of the things that I think are traditionally given to the mother-role: she's never gave me advice (aside from telling me what to do when I had not asked), she's never listened to my problems, she's never comforted me, she's never been someone I could go to when I was upset at all, she didn't teach me anything at all about women's health, she in fact wouldn't allow me to shave or wear make up, and things like that. I can't even think of what else is traditionally the sort of thing that only involves mothers/daughters.

I grew up in a pretty emotionally neglectful environment - I didn't have a single family member that I felt safe around. I was either a non-existant entity or actually rejected by the whole lot of them.

My mom does not have an understanding of what a healthy relationship should be. I'm aware of that, but I was not aware of that when I was a kid. I started to figure it out when I was in highschool.

My mom thinks that she has done a spectacular job raising me, and thinks that she's an excellent mother. Has she been an excellent mother? No. I've learned things from her, some of which are even good things, but almost all of them I learned in a very negative context and they weren't what she was actively trying to teach me.

So growli, I relate to not having ever had a mother figure. I can at least say that I did not have any physical abuse, but sometimes that makes it hard for me to accept that what went on in my life actually was real. So.... I relate to your struggles.

I do not forgive my family for their actions. I never will, because it was wrong. But I accept that it happened, and furthermore, I accept that my mom really does think she did the best that she could do. Yes, her primary use for me is to be evidence to the rest of the world that she's done a good job as a mom. And as messed up as that is... she is in fact incapable of seeing it that way. Nothing I could ever imagine doing would ever make that clear to her. And I've been having to learn to accept her that way. I cannot remold her into something else, and I cannot replace her with someone else.

She's the only mom that I will ever have, and she's a **** mom, but that's how my cards were dealt. Until I decided that I was done trying to change things, I was not able to change things. I tried to change me - to the point where I don't really even know who I actually am, because I just kept changing me around to try and be what she wanted. ((You, on the other hand, seem to be trying to change things by getting yourself a new mother)).

After I decided that I wasn't going to keep trying to change, my life was able to start changing. Was it hard as f***? Yes. Did it cause even more issues with my family? Hell yes. But it has been changing, and it's still changing, and it's still hard. I still don't really know who I am, but I'm trying to get to whoever I was or am or might have been. I don't really know - there's a lot messed up in a my head and a lot of it contradicts itself. And my relationship with my mom? It's a lot more manageable. (Honestly, mostly because of distance!). I set up clear boundaries with my family as soon as I was out of their home, and my mom has learned a bit about how to navigate with them - because I will just not have any contact at all if it's going to be stressful. And that took a LOT of time and effort and it is still a struggle. But I had to just accept the situation as it was and not keep trying to make the sort of relationship that would have been seen as normal.

The point I guess is... I agree with Asia. My mom might have done a S*** job at being a mom, but she doesn't view it that way. It doesn't excuse her, but it does let me accept it. My mom tried her best, and her best was absolutely rubbish, and she can't even see that. Your mom is likely doing the same thing - she's absolutely f******* stuff up and what she is doing is in no way excuseable, but she likely thinks she's doing a bang up good job at being a mom - and she likely has no concept of how to be better, because she already thinks she's doing what she is supposed to.

It's totally something that deserves anger, but you'll never be able to move forward until you can accept that she has sucked at it and that you will just never have that relationship. You do keep trying to replace it, and it's sad that we can't replace it.... so I guess that is what you need to actually accept, inside, and not just on an intellectual level.

Anyway. This is massive and I don't know if my point has came across at all.