I smile a lot in therapy. Even as I talk about my abuse.
T will often tip her head and ask what the smile is about?
I shrug my shoulders and say - I don't know, it's what I do.
She's said before that I must have used smiling and humour as a way to get the world to engage with me, versus my mothers inability to engage with me.
T said she finds it very compelling. She is often 'drawn in' by my smile & humour. But during Mondays session when I was relating an incident I've spoken often off, I spoke with my usual broad smile when T said - you know, you're smiling as you talk about this (abuse) but I find it hard to even think about.
I shrugged and thought little more about it. But bit by bit, T's response has hung around. I guess breaking through my own defence.
I'm still not fully in touch with any feelings connected to the spoken abusive incident. But T's pointing out the effect it has on her has woken something up within me.