I've been adopting mother figures ever since I was a teenager. The scene where your T put her hand on your forehead sounds so beautiful and delightful. I would want to soak that in completely!

I see money as the big hidden theme in a lot of the discussion on this thread. And maybe that's because I'm hyper-attuned to class and class differences in our society, because I've lived among all levels of class and financial attainment.

(Born a zero, ward of the state, placed with a loving adoptive family at the poverty level, then placed with a middle class blue collar family (but mean and abusive), then attended college and achieved a graduate degree, and then worked as a white collar professional and now I'm executive-level and dual-income. So, I've seen it all and I've seen how being able to purchase one's caring can make a big difference in one's life. And I see my own new privilege where many others cannot see their own.)

I will confess to feeling somewhat envious of you, Growli, just because I feel like we have dealt with similar emotionally abusive environments but mine didn't come with any financial support.

It's ironic that your caring and loving T is being paid for by your mean mother. Even if you mother isn't paying because she cares, she is able to buy the caring for you that she herself was unwilling and unable to provide. Now, you could argue that if she'd been a good enough mother, she wouldn't have had to buy that caring to begin with!

The problem is that if the money shuts off, so does your T.

Or put another way, your connection to your T is dependent upon your connection to your mom. Money is the hidden thread in the triangle.

I wonder if it would be worth discussing with T some ways to extricate yourself from that web? Or if there is a way to qualify for scholarship or other support that does not come from toxic relations?

I'm sorry and I apologize if this post is too bold of a suggestion.