hey. yeah, i might try and write something yet :-) mostly... i want to be careful about what i say about the boundaries thing. see... i think i would rather not know his home email / facts about people he cares for because i'm scared i will lose control and other parts will do something stupid. thats why i'm scared. but i need to find some way of communicating that boundaries are important to me without him freaking out about the safety of his family etc. does that make sense? i think writing will help me phrase it in a way so it is clear but isn't likely to inspire fear / regret.

i've told him i'm afraid that j. will scream. i've said that already. i'm not sure how seriously he takes that... i'm not sure how much people typically do act up when they switch either. i've heard that some protectors talk big but act little. i don't know. i'm just afraid that they will really try to shove him away hard and screaming could be a relatively harmless way of doing that... so i don't know.

i'm not sure about the control thing... i'd like to be more 'self-possessed' as they say. i like to be cool calm and collected. or to show a little bit of emotion - just enough to convey the emotion then mute it. i guess it is about trusting myself and trusting him too. i guess it is a process...

> I've never felt this way in any other relationship. it's terribly confusing and upsetting and wonderful and intoxicating and vulnerable and scary....

yeah, i hear you on that.

i was reading last night... and i couldn't believe some of the stuff i was reading. people really do talk to their therapists about all kinds of stuff. about this kind of stuff even. i can't... i guess thats why i split things off... because i can't face it. i guess those people had been seeing their t's for a couple of years before they were saying what they were saying though. so maybe i'm not doing so very badly. apparantly there are only 2 papers written on the effects on patients of male t's taking time off when their partner delivers. guy patients typically handled it okay. female patients typically did not. what does he expect? i've been wondering if... he is trying to 'provoke' me into switching? not 'provoke'... 'prompt'? if he is trying to 'prompt' it with all this nasty reality crap.

i was reading this too:

http://www.amazon.com/Diagnosis-Trea...ion/0898621771

and he was saying about how it is imperative to meet them. and all these strategies for meeting them... and most of the strategies have been cut off from my t because i've made him promise not to try and summon them. i made him promise.

the guy was saying that it was really very imperative to meet them... and about how if they don't spontaneously emerge (when asked for) that there was hypnosis and a couple varieties of medications that tended to help...

ak!!!!

i don't wanna do it that way

nope nope nope

i guess the manual guy would think that my t has made a big treatment blunder in promising he wouldn't do that.

but imho... there is hope. because... i don't want to do it that way. and i think it is for theoretical reasons rather than for defensive reasons. though... even if there is a little bit of a defensive motivation... i still think the theoretical reasons are sound.