I have not seen my therapist since September, so roughly 3 months. I had seen him for 1 year and 6 months before our last session. But the last time I saw him things went really badly, for me, to the point that at the end I broke down, began to sob and became unable to speak. My therapist sat across from me, clearly feeling frustrated/annoyed and told me, without compassion, "Tell me what you are feeling." After more silence, he said, with even more frustration, "Talk to me."

What brought this up was the fact that I told him I could not trust him; he reacted very defensively and pointed out that I was in no position to tell him that he could not be trusted because he was seeing me at a discounted rate (I had switched employers and lost my insurance in the process; our session was the very first and only not covered by insurance so he charged me less). His exact words were, "I'm seeing you at about one third or one quarter of the rate so I don't think you are in the position of telling me that I'm not to be trusted."

What he said, basically, was, "You don't pay me enough to question me." In that moment I realized that my value in the room was determined by what I paid. And since I had lost my insurance, I didn't pay him enough to be valued.

If I had paid my regular fee, I suppose, I could have told him that I didn't trust him... but not if I received a discount. It broke my heart, and all I could do was cry and shut down. I never went back.

I'm currently going through some difficult moments so I reached out to him last week and asked if I could have a session, after 3 months, and pay out of pocket as I still don't have insurance. He scheduled me for this coming Monday.

There will be no "repairing" - we have had raptures before that were never repaired; it was a "keep it moving" atmosphere and raptures were yesterday's news.

I'm not sure what to expect. I'm still very hurt, disappointed and angry, but I have also missed him tremendously.

Has anyone been in the same position? If yes, how was meeting after a long break and a disastrous last session?