I can relate. I have been going to t 4 days in a row every week for over a year. At first it was good - i am very grateful and i think i got a lot further, but lately, especially as it has become colder, i have been so tired, and i have just been blaming myself for not being more disciplined. But i am totally falling behind in my self-care. Also my tuesday and thursday appointments were changed from afternoon to morning, so it seemed like as soon as i woke up, it was time for bed again (like the l'allumeur - the lighter man - in the Little Prince; or time to make the donuts!). I needed longer days! I started hinting to t that i needed a vacation, that the schedule wasnt working, blah blah blah - but it all boils down to, i dont want to go against what he says. I cant distinguish what i need, even as im getting chest pains and high blood sugar.

And ts have always said, "oh a child will see themselves as bad before they say the parent is bad." I dont think i ever saw myself as bad. My parents, esp my mother, wouldnt call me bad. She would put it more as, i just had to try a little harder. I didnt quite make it. Whatever it was, was just always a little out of reach. Just a little more effort. My chest is tightening just writing this! When is it enough? My mother says im stupid. I have to agree. Im stupid for trusting her. Youre supposed to be able to trust your mother. If not her, then who? Otherwise its like jumping out of an airplane. There is nothing there to set your feet on. Well, thats what ts are for. Because really, we had nothing to set our feet on to grow from.