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dalila · Feb 05, 2007, 04:53 AM

<font color="green"> What a mess! My SIL told my Ds about my stepfather’s molesting me as a teen and he told my mother. Now my stepfather is denying it and my mother has had to go to the hospital cos her blood pressure went sky high. Db believes my stepfather and Ds seems doubtful. I dunno; what reason would I have to tell this story now? I wish I was dead I knew my stepfather would deny it I dunno what I should do next if anything. Even my son seems to doubt me now and that hurts beyond telling. He had said that he had never known me to lie and so believed me but with all this… well how can he not doubt me, too.
I found out about this when my mother called. Her voice was teary and she wanted to know if her husband had done what her grandson had said he did. I asked her what he said. That he had molested me she said. .I said yes.
I don’t exactly remember what we said just the highlights—she asked if I was sure it was molestation not just horseplay. I affirmed that it was not horseplay and I knew the difference. She kept wanting to know why I had never told – it happened 38 years ago, well I did the math it was 35 years ago but that was not important. I told her that I believed I was responsible for it happening, I didn’t believe she would believe me, I was ashamed and feared that if she did believe me that I would then be responsible for her second divorce – I already blamed myself for the first one. She pointed out that she had believed me when I was molested by a creep in a garden store. However, this was her husband and the father of two of her children she was in the hospital when this happened having that second baby.
I wanted to yell at her – what part of having a man’s penis tapping your mouth is horseplay? Or what part of horseplay is having him lick your privates? But I felt that I couldn’t say that that ii didn’t need to be so specific. Now I am wondering if I did us all a disservice by being general and vague about the specifics. My DH asked some questions about it and I was able to tell him what he wanted to know – just flat voice and wrenching inside.

I have felt sick to my stomach ever since my mother called. Clearly, I am off and so the kids have been more reactive as well. I can deal with it all in my therapy session but I don’t know if I can do anything with it all for my dd. the ideal of opening this can of worms with her therapist – her male therapist makes me sick.
I thought I had worked through all this but now it is just a raw open wound. I don’t want to work on it or through it again I want it all to be over, done. I don’t care a lot how it gets done just be done.

sadly,</font>