Hi, I hope your feeling a little better. What I meant was that the intrusive thoughts you are having are making you very anxious, nervous, you are obviously suffering because of them, they might even scare you and all of that is understandable. Intrusive thoughts can be very annoying and it becomes quite easy to become preoccupied by them, meaning you think about them all the time, constantly. That is probably something you need better help with. If you can't make them go away then you have to learn to deal with them better. Try not to listen or focus on them so much though I know this can be extremely difficult. But if you can get some professional help, please do so, because it's a shame that you are suffering and I'm not a doctor, I'm only telling you this from my own experience. But I understand about having no medical cards I have to pay for my therapy too and sometimes I can't afford to, so try to save up maybe so that you can at least go once in a while. Better than nothing. Hope you feel better soon. hugs!