Much of my BPD is due to my mom. I am the youngest of four children. My siblings all left when I was nine. From before I can remember, my mom was often drunk and she attempted suicide when I was very little. When I was eight, my dad took me to Disney World and I begged my mom to go. She refused and told me to go and have a good time. The next day as I as getting ready for school, she came in an tossed me around the room like a rag doll for "abandoning" her.

After my siblings left, I basically became her captive. I never really thought about it in that way until recently, but it's true. She decided I was talking on the phone too much and changed our phone number. I went several years without knowing our number. I wasn't allowed to have friends over and I spent all of my time with her. When I tried to reach out for help from my sister once when she and my dad were fighting, I was told "never tell anyone our personal problems" and then she proceeded to totally ignore me for a week....I was the wall. She would look right through me. Once, she locked herself in a closet for two days when my dad was home and my job was to lie to him and tell him she wasn't home. In front of me, she would tell people that I was "the mistake" and "when Maranara grows up and leaves I can finally move and be happy". I was made to feel guilty about just about everything. My mom never told me she loved me and rarely showed any signs of affection. In addition, I was never told the facts of life or given "the talk". My mom handed me a book when I was 10 or 11 and expected me to figure it out on my own and it was obvious that questions were not allowed, and it was "personal" so I couldn't talk to anyone else.... Also, when I was about 10, I had a year of severe bullying at school. No one knew. I couldn't tell my mom or anyone else...it was made clear that I couldn't talk about anything personal. I only started talking about it a few years ago, and I'm over 40. My mom also has a hatred of men and taught me that pretty much any physical affection was evil and wrong, and that, with a church upbringing, messed me up later.

When I was in college, I received a letter, sometimes two from her every day telling me how horrible I was and how I'd abandoned her. When I was in my early twenties I confronted her. I felt I was left out of a lot of family events. She told me it was my imagination. I learned otherwise years later when my family went on a holiday cruise without me and when my dad died, she and my siblings sat around talking about birthdays and special events that I never knew about. When my dad died, my mom couldn't find any old family pics. I'd been given a few and I took them out and my brother and I had them enlarged and framed as a special surprise for my dad's "memory table". She questioned me about the pics and decided that I'd "stolen all her memories". She sent me a letter, that I received on my dad's birthday, telling me I was no longer her daughter....that was four years ago.

Since then, I've moved away from home. I'd stayed close for years trying to be close. I'd finally given up. This past Thanksgiving, my mom texted my sister calling me all kinds of names and denouncing me once again. She doesn't know where I am or my number. My sister telling me this gave me horrendous flashbacks. I decided that I needed to tell my mom how I felt. I wrote her a letter. I wasn't any meaner than I had to be, but for once I stood up for myself and made my feelings known.

Now, yesterday, she texted my sister again demanding for my address and phone number. She made the excuse that she wanted to give me some things but I know she wants to resume her beratting of me...but I want hope. All I've ever really wanted was a mom who cared. I keep thinking that maybe one day she'll become that and I'm so tempted to give her the info she wants, but I know I'd also be a fool and open myself to all kinds of new torment. I need the resolve to stop this pain and not purposely subject myself to it again...