After 7 years of marriage, 3 children, years of meth use, abuse, lies, concussions, black eyes, broken teeth, refusal to work, refusal to help with the kids, refusal to admit any true wrong doing...I left.
Thankfully...he made the choice easier and more needed every time he put his hands on me, every bloody lip, every rape, every time I wax choked out and also every rims he degraded and humiliated me in every way.

I have been safe, away, unable do be found for 5 months. Within a week of leaving...I knew going back would not be an option due do his paranoid, death threats and mindset. Without a doubt...my life would be over with 24 hours of going home. No doubt in my mind.

Now...having been apart...I realize that my deep, never ending romantic love...left years ago. You can push someone too far.

I am attempting to get legal aid to help with a divorce...since I don't have a lot of money at all.

Now...I have anxiety issues, panic attacks and this huge fear that everyone will hurt me. I am afraid to even get to know people deeply because...what if I fall for them and get hurt?

I fully intend to remain celibate. I would like to have a few flings...or even start a relationship with this guy I have been talking to. But my heart convicts me and will not allow it without a guilty conscience.

Yet...I still have needs. I want to be held. I want to make love. I want to be happy and blindly love again.

See...I have a desire to not have sex with people...to find the right one and do things right...but what if it all ends the same? What if I still get hurt?

I guess...knowing someone, watching for red flags and not getting sexually intimate should help me...but I don't lmao..

Im lonely...and sad...

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