I was in an physcially abusive marriage for 12 years, so when I had my son it gave me courage to get a divorce. So I divorced when my son was under a year. I don't recomend divorce - but in my case it was essential.
My son adjusted because he didn't know any different. I consulted with T because I wanted to do the best for my son. So I worked hard at inviting my ex and his sign. other for holidays, birthdays and other outings, school stuff. When my son was in the hospital several times - my out of town ex and sign other stayed at my house.The T told me that it was important for my son to get the opportunity to have both of his parents doing family things together - or my son would always "long" for this. So there were breakfasts together at my house with his Dad, myself and the sign other. Just normal type things that families do.

In my case, I will tell you the weekends away with his dad sometimes resulted in my son being out of sync. It couldn't be helped I'm not saying that. But sometimes after vistation, I would put him in the car and just drive until he relaxed or I would rock him - that was in the early years. The school year was the most diffcult because my ex didn't support my son doing homework, or studying or even sleeping so my son often did poorly in school. It may also mean taking your child's friends for vistation along for company later in the teen years.

My son was probably the most adjusted child from divorce that you could find so the effort was worth it. Most people couldn't tell that he was from a divorce situation because it was early on. However, the toll it had on me was great.

If your marriage can be worked out, the effort may well be worth the effort since divorce is an even geater effort.

I should mention that my ex's physical abuse was always aimed at women - never children. And there were many sign. others from my ex that my son had to get used to.

I hope that this helps... I wish you the absolute best, my heart goes out to both you and your wife that you find yourselves at this point...

Sincerely,
freewill