Need to get back on meds. I went off to find out if pregnancy was possible… but my therapist gave me a lecture on how I am not prepared to be a good parent…I barely knew that therapist, and so I fired her. All my friends and family, and my other therapist, think I would be a good mom...

All I ever wanted was a family of my own…

I feel like my life is not in my hands… the professionals won't put me on disability, their goal for me is to work. I just want to stay home and raise a child with my partner, but T says I would be a bad mother, and all the Ts want me to get a job…

So I guess I need to stop being self-indulgent, and go back to work, even if it makes me suicidal to deal with a low-wage, demeaning, socially demanding retail job, and give up the idea of being a parent.

My question is, why do they get to decide if I live or die, and how?

Society says it is bad to die, society says it is good to work, but isn't that selfish of them? Why should I have to go on at all, when I have zero inspiration to be a stupid ****ing grunt in the cogs of the consumer machine, and if my friends really love me, why don't they want me to have some escape from this misery? And why do doctors get to decide if I am capable of work or not? I have been me for all of my 34 years, and I have tried more times than can count to exit, and every time has been the result of trying to do what society expects and failing…. I know work is bad for my mental health! Going back to work is almost certain to mean more suicide attempts!

Even if I go against my therapist's advice and have a kid anyway, I will have to be artificially inseminated at a cost of at MINIMUM $600 per attempt, in order for my partner to be legally recognized as the other parent and to insure that medicaid can't go after the father…

I'm sorry for this rant, it is inarticulate, but I can't make sense of all these things that are contributing to my unhappiness…