Sorry to read you are going through this. Not spending holidays together sounds tragic. Yes, you've made choices, that change the future together. And yes, you are struggling with your own depression and sorting through the past, to heal the present.
It's difficult, having two depressives involved together, but so long as both either are or have worked through their own stuff, everything is possible. It's sometimes easier, since the other can relate and identity.
Your story is my so's biggest fear from me. When you mention resentment for your wife not being honest with her emotions to you, it made me realize how far my own therapy work has come. It will be of interest, to see, if she can come through with not just being honest with you, but also herself, in couples counseling. There is an acceptable trend, where your T, her T and couples T can communicate behind the scenes to help you both.
What left her feeling not in an emotional safe spot, to remain in the marital home? Raising abandonment fears, isn't conducive to strengthening the relationship. I've learned, that all humans have these fears, they aren't limited to any specific disorder.
I Hope the new year, brings her back.
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