Maranara, I know this is painful for you. My Mom, although she didn't drink or go to quite the extremes you mention, lead me down this road of hell to BPD. I never blamed her and I still try not to although I've acknowledged the root of it all. When I was 4, I sucked my thumb ...she got pissed and threw a pacifier at me. My home environment was like a prison. I was allowed no friends or to do much of anything. As a family we stagnated and deteriorated within the dysfunctioinally evil, judgmental realms underneath the rooftop. I didn't learn how to socialize, in fact I didn't learn anything positive as the negative was so much greater. I didn't really hear I love you (if I did, it was in words not in display) or receive compliments. When I was 18, my first REAL b/f suddenly passed in a drowning. My mom hated him when he was alive and he was an a...... when he died. No sympathy shown during my grieving or remorse for her vile words of him. With my first pregnancy, she didn't come around (though my Dad and brother did). She hated me and was bitter. She finally came around after my delivery. I always forgave her and wonder if I had shut her out at that time if she would've understood what she was doing to me. Years ago, I had the 'chance' (long story) to move 1500 miles away. She hated me for that too. Because I had two children it wasn't an easy decision in one way. In another it felt like a freedom from my mom that I never wanted to need, though I didn't look at it as so then. She disliked my Dad, chaos was always just a shout away with deep wounding words. Four years ago my Dad had Alzheimers, she kept me from visiting him while he lay ill. Even after his death, she berates him. I have always tried to look for the good, she is my mom. Not always easy. Today we are more estranged than ever, she is 80 years old and I STILL feel guilty. I wanted to hang in there and fix her, help her, help us. I finally realized a few years back that isn't possible. In her mind she does no wrong, thus denial. I feel as though I should be there taking care of her (that's the caring me). But I couldn't as she has shut me out with her vicious ways. The door of our relationship remains only slightly ajar with phone conversation on a monthly basis. My stomach near turns when we talk, I get anxious and angry sometimes. She belittles everyone ~ family, her friends (whom she never holds on to) and pretty much anyone in between. It is so hard to let go. I listen to her for HER that is all I can and am willing to give and even that's too much at times. Sad to say it feels more like out of obligation. I have always known in my gut that she was ill somehow; perhaps that's why the forgiveness, the excusing of such behaviors. But I eventually realized that it has had such a large impact on my well being, on every aspect of my life. I cannot turn back the hands of time, but I can surely try like heck to guide them to move forward in a more enlightning, healthier way. We don't always get what we want or need; we can only learn to do better for ourselves with what we have. I wish you well in what it is you choose to do. Remember, you need to come first in order for other things to flow more smoothly.