I guess there are some things good about me today. But today i cleaned my room really really well, like under the bed and everything. I found A TON of old school projects and just things ive made.

I used to be so creative! I used to put so much work into my school work. I used to think so creatively and didnt put any walls on my creativity. I used to make the most amazing things. I used to be funny, i used to always smile and be SO positive, SO optimistic. I used to be ALL of that. Now, I'm a grumpy old man in a 17 year olds body.

The worst part is, back then I used to work so hard in school and be positive and i always did horrible in school because i worked so hard but in the wrong way. I never read the assignment well and as a result, i made something really good but it wasnt what the asignment asked. I got horrible grades and I actually thought these grades were important. I thought i was stupid and dumb. My sisters were always so much smarter than me, 90 average students.

But now I realise that past me was the smart one and present me is the stupid one. I am so grumpy. I am so sarcastic. I am so pessamistic. I just suck today. I miss my old self so much. Why did the school system have to kill my creativity. I want to be like that again.

I realised i am only horrible and grumpy and sarcastic and pessemistic towards people. Anything that doesnt involve people, i am extremely optimistic about. Even my future, my life, job, house, everything, i am very optimisitic. But when it comes to people, like whether my kids will like me or if ill get a wife or any situation at all involving people, i am so incredibly pessamistic.

I dont know whats wrong with me today. Sometime some way back, i must have just believed everyone telling me im stupid, the school, my peers, my family, my friends. I must have believed it and begun hating myself and then turned into this creature i am today in order to protect myself.

I hate who i am today because i have to emotion. Well, i know i have emotione, but what i mean is: like even at funerals for very close family, i cannot cry, i dont even feel sad at all, it doesnt even concern me at all. it takes me a month later to fully kind of believe they are gone and then i only feel a little sad, but thats it. I remember 10 years ago, my fish was dieing and i couldnt stop crying. Do i care about a fish more than family? I havent cried in 3 years. I am just a selfish careless sociopath.

And this whole post is just a rant of negativity. Some times i just get in bad moods where i can only see the negative. So ill try to be mature about this and wait till tommorow and then i wont see things the same way maybe. Maybe its not as bad as i think, so ill just get drunk tonight and reconsider it tommorow.