So this evening I went to a friend's wedding, and found myself most the entire time wishing I was dead. I couldn't even muster the energy to do much more than sit there in back of the church, I congratulated them both as I left, and smiled, but all the while I kept thinking inside "I wonder if I should go home and kill myself tonight?" I didn't want to sit with anyone, I didn't want to engage in conversation, I just wanted to not exist.

I understand that much of this feeling must have to do with my current grieving process involving my transition out of an 8 year relationship, and that weddings often force people to reflect on their own current love life, but just how much it affects me surprised me a little. I found myself seeing all my friends as couples more clearly and vividly than I ever really had seen them before, and the feeling of utter loneliness enveloped me like some kind of 'Venom-like' black ooze, blanketing me in a depression that was as shocking as jumping into ice cold water.

I did all I could to not spoil any feelings of happiness and contentment that my newly married friends were experiencing, but all the smiling and congratulations and talking with other friends and their families was emotionally exhausting in the worst possible ways. I tried to remain pleasant, and amused, and entertaining, but all the while all I thought was "maybe I'll get lucky and die on my way to the reception. Some horrible car accident, then I won't have to worry about it looking like suicide."

My ex was invited to the wedding as well (my friends are also her friends) she made a brief appearance at the ceremony, but left shortly after, I didn't talk with her. I'm pretty sure as I type this she's currently out at a new friend of hers home (she still lives in the same apartment as I for now but she's never home now), she's probably having carefree sex with some guy who's 10X better than me and she probably hasn't given me a second thought since she said she was leaving me.

I made it to the reception without incident and did my best to mingle, tried to remain positive, but found it very difficult, I drank very little (to keep from drowning myself in a liquid depressant) and did what I could to keep to topics that had nothing to do with relationships, sex, love, or my ex. Occasionally I could have moments of forgetting that my life was currently complete rubbish, but then couples would kiss, or some other kind of PDA, or maybe someone would ask where my ex was (not knowing we just broke up, because it's still only been two months) and I have the joy of awkwardly explaining she's leaving me and I'm alright (when really I'm visualizing how many pills I have at home that could put me out permanently). Sure I can talk to some of my friends about how depressed I am, and sometimes I do, but I can't justify dragging everyone down to my pity party at such a celebratory occasion. I'd just rather suffer in silence. I left the reception fairly early (I just couldn't take the happy much longer) unfortunately coming home to an empty apartment gives me a new set of challenges. How do I convince myself to get ready for bed and not just lay on the carpet in my living room weeping brokenly while thinking about how great other's lives are? Once in bed how do I fall asleep (as tired as I am) while I try not to think about who my ex is screwing this night and how unaffected her and other's would be without me around?

I did not fully realize just how much physical pain goes into my negative emotions as well, just feeling as sad as I do seems to create some vast amounts of exhaustion, sharp pains in my head and chest, a general feeling of weakness throughout the body I can only compare to when you are trying to get over a cold or flu, just a kind of dull ach.

I think the worst part of all of it is you can't identify when these feelings will come on either, sure a wedding could be a catalyst for feeling sad about being alone, but to have moments of "ok, I think my grieving process is coming to a close, maybe the worst of it is over, I mean I cried for like two weeks straight, so it must be out of my system, right?" then you find yourself at home one night and BAM! You're facing a level of sadness that makes you question the very existence of happiness itself, like maybe positive feelings for you are all gone, or were never there to begin with?

I truly do try to watch happy things, or do stuff with people, or focus my mental energy on things other than my former relationship or being alone, but none of that REALLY works all that well, it's just fleeting moments before diving into another sudden feeling of despair that makes your last feelings of despair feel like they were only the movie trailer to a much deeper, darker, director's cut of sadness with 6 hours of never before seen footage and a 'making of despair' you haven't even looked at yet.

I just don't know how to be 'OK' alone yet? I don't know how to feel good about MY life when all I see around me are others who are having a generally better life, at least in relationship terms? Everything feels like "sure your friends are there for you, but they're not really 'there', they've got other stuff going on in there life that doesn't involve you as well." I know for some being on there own can feel liberating or exciting, because their world and all the options in it have opened up to them, they can go in any direction they'd like. For me however all I feel like when there is nothing holding me back is that all that means is nothing will truly be impacted by my not being around. That if my friends woke up tomorrow and I was no longer here, they would probably be sad, and they would grieve, but it truly wouldn't affect anyone's life profoundly in the long term. I would be just another paragraph on a page in a never-ending novel called life, maybe not even a full paragraph. That is where I am emotionally when I am alone, no amount of hobbies, or movies, or game nights, or 'helping others' or hanging with friends truly changes that feeling for me. The few times that I do not feel like that is when I'm linked emotionally to a significant other, to love and to feel loved in return seems to be the only thing that satisfies this void of loneliness inside me. Learning to be ok on my own and by myself (without a partner in life) has, and possibly always will be, the most difficult challenge I face in my adult life.

I know this feeling of despair will pass, because this feeling has come and gone in the past, so it passes eventually, but I've no idea how to truly deal with this feeling when it's here? How do you deal with such sadness and take it on, and accept it for what it is, when it's so mentally, emotionally, and even physically painful? And how do I get all these negative feelings about myself and my life out of my head? Or at least dissipate them to a manageable level?