Hello,
so I'm starting to see a counselor again tomorrow, the first time I've gone in a long time. I'm a little worried about what they will tell me but I feel that I really need to start going in to see someone. The anti-psychotic pills they gave me just aren't cutting it anymore. I know that there are a couple of things that I need to work on. One of the biggest and more in-your-face problems is with my drinking. I used to drink a lot. I don't so much anymore but I know that its a problem because when I drink I have extremely poor impulse control. It isn't by far the root of my problems but it definitely makes them manifest and explode outwards. I have deep seeded suspicions and hostility that I hold towards people and just can't seem to let go of. I am told by others that I always read way too deeply into what others say to me, and see criticism where it wasn't intended to be. I take advice and other efforts to help me apparently as criticism as well. I don't know. I just have a hard time with it. I find I get into funks. I begin to get hostile towards them and think that they are out to get me, or that they are turning others against me. I'm not sure if they are or not, but I'm more than sure than I'm not. Either way, I get drunk and it all floods back and I get almost like a shark and just lash out at the people who I think are hurting me, have hurt me or are trying to. So that is on the top of the list right now, is stopping the booze. I have literally lost all of my friends because of it. I just can't seem to get myself to stop though. I always drink WAY too much when I do, even if I keep myself from drinking, the moment I get the cash and the time I always drink hard. Even though I lost my friends, I don't think that they were very good friends to begin with. They would come to me when they needed emotional support or someone to drink and party with, but as soon as things got rough, turn on me and leave me in the dust by myself. I left the town that I used to live in and it seems like as soon as I did, they all started to get pissed at me all of a sudden. Apparently, if the rumors were true, none of them liked me all too much to begin with. Either way, I am trying to find my way into more positive things and I hope, although I am admittedly afraid, that going to see the counselor and starting to attend support meetings for my alcoholism will be a start. I am sick of hurting myself.