Anthony my friend, what you're going through really sucks the big one. There's no question about that! Yes, despair will pass... and will return... and will pass... and will return... and will pass... In fact, that's the way it's going to be for a while, for QUITE a while. ALL of those really, really, really crappy thoughts and feelings will come and go like that for a long, long time. That will become the normal state of your life for a while. You can be doing just fine at 1:00 PM but by 2:30 PM you find yourself sitting in a big pool of your own tears, trying to figure out how to make the agony go away. **sigh** And yes, you CAN actually feel physical pain from your emotional distress... when you're so distraught you don't think you can go on. I don't know about you, but when I was going through the sort of trauma you're going through now, I would experience wave after wave of a dull ache that swept through my whole body over and over and over again... Lonliness and emptiness and emotional trauma WILL be with you for a while. I don't know of anything, other than time, that will make the pain go away. I wish I could give you some good news. I wish I could tell you about something that you can do to make things better. But... I don't know of any such thing. I'm so, so sorry that you're suffering so terribly. My heart goes out to you... I remember the pain...

Have you spoken with a grief counselor about what you're going through? You MAY find some help there...

Anthony, the sadness, lonliness, self recriminations, anger, pain, despair, agony, emptiness, isolation, depression and ALL of the emotions you're feeling WILL dissipate over time. You WILL get through it all, even if there are times that feel like you can't take it anymore. You live your life one DAY at a time... one HOUR at a time... one MINUTE at a time... or even one SECOND at a time if that's what it takes for you to carry on with your life. You must try to live in the PRESENT. It takes practice, but I'm sure you can do it. There can only be NOW! There is no past for you to agonize over and re-live and re-live and re-run through your mind over and over and over, re-living the pain and agony of something that WAS. There is only NOW... This very instant. There is no future to worry about or fantasize about or fret over. There is no need to make any plans for the future. The PRESENT is all there is. It will get you through to the next instant of NOW... and the NEXT... and the NEXT and the NEXT. There is ONLY one moment at a time.

Anthony, that's the only advice I can share with you... You can't make the pain go away, but if you stay in the PRESENT, you might have less chance of experiencing the pain from the past and the uncertainty of the future...
Try to stop thinking about your loss. I KNOW what that's like! It's bad Ju-Ju!!! It only causes pain and serves no other purpose. STOP IT! Focus on staying in the moment and living in the moment.

I hope that you find respite from your agony, and that you find peace and well-being from STAYING in the present.

Dan